InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "i'd like to butter your muffin"

pique (fitofpique) wrote,
@ 2008-02-18 13:23:00

Entry tags:

my hp fic, snape/harry

HP fic: To Potter, On Valentine's Day, With Gravest Misgivings
Written for buckle_berry's Valentine's Cardathon, for pippinmctaggart, with love!

A black envelope.

A ~~love~~ letter.

A potion bottle with handwritten label (enclosed).

ETA: Text-only version.

A ~~love~~ letter.

February 14, 2008

Potter,

You are a perfect idiot. Your behaviour has always been appalling, but today you went too far. Is there anything I could say that will penetrate your thick skull? I am inclined to believe not, as none of my increasingly desperate attempts to repel your advances seems to have deterred you in the slightest. Until now, I have been disposed to pay little heed to your persistent incursions, your wildly misdirected attachment, and your outrageous declarations of love (how utterly absurd!). But things have gone far enough.

Shall I list the many and varied reasons that an intimate relationship of any stripe between us is fated to be a disaster? Your infatuation – for it is nothing more than that, I am certain – will pass as suddenly and violently as it began. When it does, you will without doubt once again despise me as passionately as ever. That you ever thought of me with anything other than contempt will be a source of great embarrassment, I assure you.

Even if that were not the case, and I were inclined to embark upon a relationship with you (I am not saying that I am), the Wizarding world – your friends and admirers – would never accept it. We would be subject to endless ridicule, harassment, and persecution. I am accustomed to such harsh treatment, but it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, let alone my most determined, indefatigable suitor (i.e., you).

If this is not sufficient to discourage you, know this: I am not capable of giving you what you desire. The idea of sharing my thoughts or feelings with another is anathema to me. I shudder at the notion of romantic dinners, long moonlit walks, and talking late into the night. I am constitutionally incapable of making heartfelt declarations of love; I am not even certain I’m capable of feeling that emotion. I am, in short, completely unsuited to amorous relationships of any nature.

Potter, I am twenty years your senior. We have almost nothing in common. For my part, I have few friends, I find most social events insufferable, and I am accustomed to and relatively content with my solitary life. I am not young or foolish enough to believe that we could bring one another any measure of happiness.

I realize I may be asking the impossible, but I feel compelled to implore you nevertheless: think carefully about what I’ve said (I have enclosed concentration aids to assist you in this extraordinary undertaking). If after serious consideration you persist in your delusions, no one will be able to say I have not tried my damnedest to make you see sense. My conscience will be clear (in this instance, anyway).

If this missive has failed to persuade you that a relationship with me would be inadvisable at best and catastrophic at worst, I will be at home, this evening, at 8 o’clock. Bring firewhisky.

Yours, &c.
SS

A potion bottle with handwritten label (enclosed).

Wit-Sharpening Potion

Directions: Add several capfuls to bathwater and soak for thirty minutes, breathing deeply, to elevate mental acuity. Effects may be heightened by burning enclosed candles whilst bathing.

Warnings: Do not take internally. Do not ingest bathwater. Do not bathe while drunk or sleeping. Do not leave candle unattended. Do not get your hopes up. I am exceedingly good, Potter, but I cannot perform miracles. Even potion making has its limitations.

(Post a new comment)

	sirius_my_luv 2008-02-18 07:38 pm UTC (link)
	this is brilliant! i had such a laugh (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-18 09:46 pm UTC (link)
	i am really happy to hear that! thank you. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	painless_j 2008-02-18 08:01 pm UTC (link)
	That's nicely done and amusing! :) I realise that the point is that it's handwritten, but would you maybe consider posting a transcript for visually impaired people who use special reading software? Because it's a fic but the software will only read IMG tags, not text. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-18 09:44 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you! And I have edited to add a text-only version at the bottom. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	painless_j 2008-02-18 09:47 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	gryffindorj 2008-02-18 08:48 pm UTC (link)
	I'm sure it's been said before but it deserves repeating LMAO!!!! I can imagine Harry not really reading this but more scanning rolling his eyes then getting to the end. Bring firewhisky That's priceless! Wonderful job!! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-18 09:47 pm UTC (link)
	Hee! Snape would be furious to think his painstakingly written letter had been skimmed! We'd better not tell him. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	themadscriptor 2008-02-19 01:07 am UTC (link)
	Hee! I really enjoyed that. Especially the part about "concentration aids" (i.e., witsharpening potion). And the line "do not get your hopes up"? Beverage snort worthy. Thanks for sharing. :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-19 01:47 am UTC (link)
	Yay! I am so happy to hear that. Thank you for letting me know! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	alwaysasnapefan 2008-02-19 07:13 am UTC (link)
	Lol, nice! I'd love to see Harry's response. The potion just sounds like an excuse to get Harry into the bath with candles. Hmm . . . . (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-19 10:11 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you! Snape can be a sneaky bastard, can't he? :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	odogoddess 2008-02-19 10:20 am UTC (link)
	Priceless! Me thinks he doth protest much, much too hard. (Well, something is hard, at any rate) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-19 10:11 pm UTC (link)
	I would tend to agree with you! ;) (Reply to this) (Parent)

	hambares 2008-02-19 02:41 pm UTC (link)
	Oh, how Severus!!!! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-19 10:12 pm UTC (link)
	Yay! Thank you! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	kinwad 2008-02-20 04:23 am UTC (link)
	This was so amazingly brilliant! I simply loved the "hand-written" note as well as your completely "in character" portrayal of Severus! So very well done! Loved it! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-20 06:51 pm UTC (link)
	Wow! Thank you so much for the lovely feedback! I am very chuffed you liked it! (Reply to this) (Parent)

perverse_idyll
2008-02-20 06:13 am UTC (link)

Hee hee! I love the way Snape hedges every bet he can possibly think of, taking the opportunity in the meantime to scoff at Harry, at himself, and at the very idea of a relationship. Ever the teacher, our Sev. I can hear his voice rolling from the lectern now.

not something I would wish on my worst enemy, let alone my most determined, indefatigable suitor (i.e., you).

I don't know why, but it cracks me up that he feels called upon to point out that he means Harry, as if Harry's incapable of putting two and two together. I also love that he actually encloses the candles. Heh. Giving yourself away there, Severus.

My favorite part, though, is the warning. With each new sentence I grinned harder. I suspect this is just a taste of what living with Severus would be like: a combination of being cared for and utterly condescended to.

I second what somebody else said above: I'd love to see Harry's response.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

fitofpique
2008-02-20 06:59 pm UTC (link)

You give the most amazing feedback! I am completely thrilled that you got a kick out of this. I have to admit that I giggled a lot when typing (i.e., you) and the warnings. I can't help but imagine it would be quite difficult for Snape to revise his so low as to be subterranean opinion of Harry! Old habits and all that.

Thanks so much for letting me know you read and enjoyed! I really appreciate it!

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	the_kinky_pet 2008-02-20 08:28 am UTC (link)
	Fabulously fun-- thank you for sharing! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-20 07:00 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you for reading! I'm delighted you enjoyed it! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	ever the spy ;-) sthelen 2008-02-20 06:20 pm UTC (link)
	that was Snape at his best - never showing his real thoughts just in case. Huge thank you (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: ever the spy ;-) fitofpique 2008-02-20 07:03 pm UTC (link)
	Exactly! It's one of his many charms! Thank you! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	akuma_river 2008-02-20 11:01 pm UTC (link)
	It's so cute, because it sounds just like how Snape would respond to Harry's advances. :D (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-24 04:33 am UTC (link)
	Thank you! I'm delighted that you think so! :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	brandil 2008-02-22 02:40 pm UTC (link)
	awesome (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-24 04:34 am UTC (link)
	beams Thank you, my darling! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	book_worm37 2008-02-23 09:07 pm UTC (link)
	That was cute... if Severus can be considered cute. Good job! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	fitofpique 2008-02-24 04:35 am UTC (link)
	Hee! I adore your icon! Thank you so much for the feedback! I appreciate it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	book_worm37 2008-02-26 08:59 pm UTC (link)
	Lol, no problem! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	WooWooo lococo 2008-09-28 04:39 am UTC (link)
	WooWoooo~~~~~ I like! So cute. May I have your consent of translating it? And I also want to translate your "Made-Up Lullaby #43" http://asylums.insanejournal.com/snarry_games/181460.html Thank you for those beautiful stories. Lococo (Reply to this)